Me Backpack? (Or George Brown Can You Help Me?)

My neighbor Slaten speaks in talking points: an unassailable point followed by neatly arranged supporting arguments, wrapped up with a concluding flourish and call to action. I'm still in bed, muzzily recalling that there's something, some task that I ought to be up and at, but I honestly can't recall what, when he calls to tell me that I must hire a top-notch personal trainer, based on
1.) the excitement of the project upon which I'm about to embark
2.)the risk of injury in training quickly and
3.)something about me not being a spring chicken anymore.
On top of not wanting to confront the springiness of my chickenhood at 8:30 on a Saturday morning, I am concerned about the cost of a "topnotch" trainer. Slaten and Cathy are, after all, the neighbors who live in "the big house on the corner". I don't think Slaten grasps a reporter's salary. He wants me to hire George Brown, not a trainer from a GB3 gym mind you, but THE perpetually tanned George Brown who stares down from billboards. Then there's the problem of me still being half asleep and not recalling exactly what exciting project it is upon which I'm about to embark. And then it hits:
I'm hiking the John Muir Trail.
Well, a relay of four reporters are hiking the 219-mile JMT, and I have the first leg. I don't backpack. I went once, like 10 years ago, and I didn't like it. (More on that later.)
I shouldn't be so surprised at this assignment because I pitched it. But I have ideas all the time, really good ones if you ask me, and no one pays much mind. So, even though I gave the pitch my all, the last thing I expected was to find myself the next day sitting in a bonafide conference room meeting discussing trade-off points , the cost of a satellite phone, and my role as the comical neophyte, to be followed by the spiritual Birkenstock girl, the introspective middle-aged environmentalist and the cocky, true-mountaineer outdoor guy.It's a great story: People come from all over the world to hike this famed and arduous high Sierra trail, and most of them are expecting it to change then in some way, give them something. We're going to do a Cantebury Tales, On the Road, Motorcycle Diaries treatment of the John Muir Trail. Great story concept. Except, I'm going backpacking. And I don't backpack.
And apparently, I need a top-notch trainer. I have two months to get ready.